Today I listened to our sweet Brooklyn "talk" non-stop. I mean non-stop. So sweet. :) I watched her sit and play in the living room floor, happily jump in her Jumperoo and smile and laugh at her silly sisters. This day one year ago seems like a distant memory in some ways. But as I think back over the days and weeks that followed, read some of my old blog posts and look through some of the photos from the past year, considering this day, June 25, of last year evokes such emotion. Much more than I expected actually. What an incredible journey. So many moments along the way stand out in my mind. Moments I will never forget. First receiving Brooklyn's diagnosis on Tuesday, June 25, 2013, was one of those. "Your baby has a heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome."
One year ago today I went in to Maternal Fetal Medicine at our local hospital for a targeted ultrasound on Baby Girl's heart. As I drove to the hospital alone to have the ultrasound, I remember having such peace. Though from the beginning of the pregnancy, I sensed God preparing me for something. I just wasn't sure what that something was other than I believed it was a health issue with the baby. I didn't mention that to anyone other than my dear friend Nancy because I didn't want to worry anyone...but I needed to process it. John had been with me for nearly every ultrasound up until that point. We'd had many more than "normal" because of our history of loss. (Miscarriage in September 2009, ectopic pregnancy in December 2009 and ectopic pregnancy in June 2010. Those are other stories for another time. More stories of God's grace. :) Anyway, extra precautions were always taken throughout my pregnancies. So, another "extra" ultrasound wasn't out of the ordinary for us. On this particular day, John stayed home with our other two girls because Abby was very sick with a stomach bug. We agreed that dealing with that in addition to a busy 21-month-old in a small ultrasound room was not a good idea. So, I went solo.
I remember the sweet lady who did the ultrasound. Her name was Kelly. As she did the ultrasound she pointed out all of the details of our sweet baby girl's little body. I asked her after she was finished how everything looked. I remember her sweetly saying that the doctor would be in to discuss the results. I vividly remember sitting in that room alone, for what felt like an eternity, listening to "Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin on my phone over and over again. No coincidence it was that song. I remember letting the lyrics soak in and having a complete peace about what was to come, though I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good news. But I had complete peace.
The doctor came in and pulled up a chair close beside me. She gave me the diagnosis and sketched on a piece of paper what Baby Girl's heart looked like. I remember that sinking feeling in my stomach as she continued to explain briefly. I tried to process the news just given to me and wondered how in the world I was going to tell John this news. I left the hospital in tears yet still having complete peace. That's peace only God can give. I remember listening to "Sovereign" again and again. I called Nance to talk through what I'd just been told so I could process it a little more before I faced John with the news. After taking some extra time driving around praying and trying to process it all before I got home, I finally pulled into the garage, hesitating to even get out of the van, still struggling in my mind with how exactly I should tell him. I remember him coming out the door and meeting me in the garage. He was headed in to the office, assuming everything was just fine with the ultrasound. I told him it wasn't good news and there was something wrong with our sweet baby's heart. I remember leaning into him, holding each other closely, trying to process together the news we had just received. The next 24-48 hours were extremely difficult. Full of tears, wondering, research, conversation, research, tears, sharing news with our families...
That's where the journey began for us. One year ago today. Life as we knew it was forever different. We became the parents of a "heart baby" in an instant. But God knew long before June 25, 2013, that we would receive news that day that would change our lives forever. He was knitting Brooke together fearfully and wonderfully and chose us to be her parents. What an honor and a privilege.
This has no doubt been an incredibly difficult journey, but it's been a journey filled with God's grace and goodness. Evidence of His mighty hand is all over our story, her story. Evidence that He is, indeed, Sovereign. And He is good. Not because our sweet girl is doing miraculously well. He is good because He is God. It's His very nature. Thankfully, our circumstances, no matter what they are, never change that. He will always be good.
He was good when we first heard those words..."The left side of your baby's heart is severely underdeveloped. She won't survive without a three-stage reconstruction of her heart." He was good when we wept at the thought of losing our babe. He was good when we questioned what the future held for her if she did survive. He was good when we held her close in the hours before her first open-heart surgery. The most difficult hours of our lives. Six-days-old. So sweet and seemingly perfect. He was good when she came through that highly complicated, risky surgery remarkably well. He was good when we sat by her bed holding her tiny hand, praying over her, talking and singing to her, waiting for her to open her eyes after being under such heavy sedation and paralytic. He was good through all the tubes, wires and drugs our baby girl endured. He was good through the many, many sleepless nights we spent by her bedside, watching her and watching monitors, alongside the amazing nurses we had. He was good while we spent weeks and weeks away from home and away from our other girls. He was good while we prayed and waited and prayed and waited those weeks and months between her first and second surgery because we knew it was a highly critical time in Brooke's short life. He was good when Brooke came through her second open-heart surgery at five-months-old. He was good through the long winter days and months as we kept her home in an effort to protect our highly susceptible baby from all the nasty viruses. He was good all the nights (and days) we spent cleaning up vomit while she was on the feeding tube. He was good through all the speech therapy appointments, cardiology follow-ups and pediatrician visits. He was good through all of it. Even the most difficult days and darkest nights. He was good. And He IS good.
"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." --Psalm 107:1
Feel free to look back in our blog archives if you're unfamiliar with Brooke's entire story. It's an awesome story reflecting an awesome God. And it's still unfolding...
This has no doubt been an incredibly difficult journey, but it's been a journey filled with God's grace and goodness. Evidence of His mighty hand is all over our story, her story. Evidence that He is, indeed, Sovereign. And He is good. Not because our sweet girl is doing miraculously well. He is good because He is God. It's His very nature. Thankfully, our circumstances, no matter what they are, never change that. He will always be good.
He was good when we first heard those words..."The left side of your baby's heart is severely underdeveloped. She won't survive without a three-stage reconstruction of her heart." He was good when we wept at the thought of losing our babe. He was good when we questioned what the future held for her if she did survive. He was good when we held her close in the hours before her first open-heart surgery. The most difficult hours of our lives. Six-days-old. So sweet and seemingly perfect. He was good when she came through that highly complicated, risky surgery remarkably well. He was good when we sat by her bed holding her tiny hand, praying over her, talking and singing to her, waiting for her to open her eyes after being under such heavy sedation and paralytic. He was good through all the tubes, wires and drugs our baby girl endured. He was good through the many, many sleepless nights we spent by her bedside, watching her and watching monitors, alongside the amazing nurses we had. He was good while we spent weeks and weeks away from home and away from our other girls. He was good while we prayed and waited and prayed and waited those weeks and months between her first and second surgery because we knew it was a highly critical time in Brooke's short life. He was good when Brooke came through her second open-heart surgery at five-months-old. He was good through the long winter days and months as we kept her home in an effort to protect our highly susceptible baby from all the nasty viruses. He was good all the nights (and days) we spent cleaning up vomit while she was on the feeding tube. He was good through all the speech therapy appointments, cardiology follow-ups and pediatrician visits. He was good through all of it. Even the most difficult days and darkest nights. He was good. And He IS good.
"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." --Psalm 107:1
Feel free to look back in our blog archives if you're unfamiliar with Brooke's entire story. It's an awesome story reflecting an awesome God. And it's still unfolding...
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